This is tough

I really don't know if I have it in me to walk away from J.

I've know for several years that I should, but I just can't.

He treats me wonderfully and I love him, but we both deserve more.

I want a chance at pure happiness, and I'm not going to get that with J.

I feel selfish and mean.

I am totally breaking his heart. But staying with him when I don't feel that we're right is really unfair to him. I heard a Garth Brooks song last week with the line "she's gonna make it and he never will". That is totally what it is for me and J. If I leave him I will make it and I will be happier (maybe not right away, but eventually). J will not make it -- this will kill him.

It is so complicated -- I can't stand it.

It is definately like I have two personalities conflicting here. I absolutely want to walk away. Sell him the house if he wants it. Buy myself a nice little place. Pursue that pure happiness that I want. But then my other self cannot imagine actually walking away. Away from J and the Teenager and Stinky Boy. If I don't walk away though, I'm closing myself off from a chance at more.

I don't want to settle for mediocrity and I can't stay with J just so he's not sad.

It's just not easy contemplating destroying nine years of partnership.

I hate this.