Frickin' money

I'm so tired of money having so much to say about how I feel.

When money is flowing out out out and not much in in in, I am a ball of anxiety.

When money is ok and I feel like we have a cushion, then I can breath.

Everything makes me crabby when I am worried about money, and everything is less stressful when I'm not worried about money.

That is ridiculous. But it is what it is.

This is about 90% because of my upbringing and the other 10% is because I'm a control freak. Ok, so maybe the 90/10 split isn't completely accurate, but either way, those are the two things that cause money to control how I feel about life.

I watched my parents struggle because of money my entire childhood. My mom and dad worked their asses off but just never seemed to get ahead. Could never catch a break. They both have become neurotic money savers because of that, and I have those same tendencies too. My sister is the same way. My brother? I don't think so - bless his goofy heart:)

It is a good thing to want to have money in the bank, but when you can't relax unless your savings account holds a certain amount, then it's too much.

I want to be able to relax and not freak out when J buys something or when the Teenager (aka the money-sucker) needs money for next year's choir trip. If money is worrying me I get stressed, but if it's not I'm ok when it has to be spent.

I'm not sure there is a solution for this though. I can't force myself to relax or convince myself not to worry about whether bills will be paid in six months -- that's just not the way I function.