Some of your beeswax

FOG

2012-01-06T13:05:00.000-06:00

It is strange to be living through a time in my life that I know I will look back on and remember as a time that I lived in a fog. I know that I am in that fog right now. The fog of “those first few months after Jeff moved out.” There’s nothing a person can do about it either. You can’t fast-forward through stages in your life and I am not unhappy about being in this foggy stage. I just find it to be a bit surreal that I KNOW this is a turning point for my life. Single at 38 – and it’s not too bad. I miss the hell out of Jeff, but I know each day that this is the very best thing for both of us.

He doesn't live here anymore

2011-12-06T08:24:00.002-06:00

Well, Jeff has moved out. Not completely because there are still odds and ends that he is working on packing, but he moved into his house on the 22nd.

I’m happy and I’m sad. More than anything I am fighting an unbelievable urge to yell for him to stop it and come back. The tricky part about this whole thing is that we love each other. Neither one of us stopped loving the other – we did stop LIKING each other though. So we both frequently have to struggle with how strange this whole breaking up thing feels.

My mind repeatedly thinks through the same reminders about how we do not work as a couple. We might work as a semi-couple (just made that up). By this I mean how things could be if we lived separately and didn’t have to interact for the “messy” parts of life like sharing a household and general behavior. It is much easier to manage my life without having Jeff in it – bills are my deal and I don’t have to consider him, I can eat whatever I want to for dinner, etc. There are things less easy as well without Jeff – I have to shovel the sidewalk, I have to mow the lawn, I have to figure out how to fix leaky things, etc. But the good is now outweighing the bad. Before we broke up, the bad had the upper hand.

So I remind myself of this good outweighing the bad thing. Telling myself not to forget how it sucked. I have to remind myself a lot.

Excitement and Denial

2011-11-06T12:11:00.003-06:00

Holy moly my brain is getting a workout with this whole breaking up thing. My feelings and emotions are kind of running the gamut.

I am excited to start a new phase in my life. Excited to be single again and have my house to myself. Excited to be independent again.

I'm scared too for many of those same reasons. Scared to be in this big house all by myself. My neighborhood is safe and there are lots of nosy neighbors, but I still have always been nervous about living alone. Before Jeff and I got together I lived with roommates for all but one year of my single life, and I hated that year. So, maybe I'll look into getting a roommate, but I doubt it since I am not 25 anymore, and I don't know if I can put up with that. I'm difficult!

I'm also in denial to an extent too. I find myself first of all completely forgetting that Jeff and I have broken up and the he is moving out. And even when I remember that he's moving out I still am in a bit of denial. I think it'll be like this until it's done and I'm sitting here in a house all myself.

And, of course just for even measure I'm also sad. Not crying until I have a headache sad (although that may come later when the house is empty), but just sad. Of course that's normal though - duh!!! This is over ten years of my life down the tubes in a single flush.

Some of my ten most fertile years too I might add. Which brings me to some more emotions such as uncertainty and panic. Now that I know I'm going to be single and since I am 38 I am going through this whole "well should I should figure out how to have a baby by myself" thing. Good Lord what else should I pack on here? Like I need to decide this now!!!!

Ok so I babble. I'll cut it off here because my brain is bringing me everywhere.

One question I did have from my one reader (hi Kori) was what is going to happen with The Teenager. The plan is that she'll be here with me and at Jeff's place with him but who knows how the time will be split. Basically, everyone considers her to be my daughter even though I didn't birth her - but still we'll see what happens once the move occurs.

Oh, and as far as the move goes, it'll be in 3-4 weeks, so we're all still living here as a "family." So far Jeff and I are getting along just fine. Please let that continue!!

Life

2011-10-24T10:11:00.002-05:00

You know, I'm too damn busy at work for my own good. I tend to only do blogging stuff when I am at work and can steal away for a break or during lunch. Lately I haven't had time to do crap. No time to read all of my favorite blogs and no time to update this here blog of my own. (not to mention no time to update Stinky Boy's blog - poor thing!!)

Well to be honest I actually haven't been at work all that much. Lucky govt employee that I have, I have a crapload of stored up time that I have to take off. Basically, I worked a ton of extra hours (like 15 each week) for a big part of the year last spring when we were overwhelmed with work... now I need to use that time up, so I am literally taking days and days and days off at at time. The problem is that workload hasn't slowed down at all and I still have a crapload of work to do but now I only have a fraction of the time to do it. And, my "real" life suffers. For all of the people out there in the world that don't think govt has downsized: believe me, they have.

So we had the good and the bad earlier this month, and now there have been a few traces of ugly. Breaking up IS supposed to be hard to do, so I expect this. Jeff (ah hell I am sick of Mr. Jill or J, etc.) is a little upset that I have accepted this and am anxious to get on with it. I just function better this way. The idea of my family being changed forever is devastating to me, but it IS what needs to happen. My biggest worry right now is that if we don't move forward with this that we'll get stalled. I don't want to be stalled. I want to live.

Forward momentum

2011-10-12T07:10:00.002-05:00

Now that this has been decided I realize it is really really important that it occurs. If we don't continue forward we'll get stalled like we've done before.

One of my wisest statements has always been "to get through it you have to GO through it". Well, I guess I want to get going.

I'm currently looking at this as an exciting thing - I always did enjoy being single to a great extent. I'll focus on being positive right now because I know there will be countless trips into sadness in between these positive times.

Some good, some bad, but no ugly

2011-10-10T14:11:00.005-05:00

Boy oh boy, when I wait this long between posts I sure do miss a lot. So, here are some snippets:

The Teenager is now a driving fool. Once we forced her to drive she got more confidence and didn't look back. I was really proud of her when we went to take her driving test. She and I went together and ended up waiting in line for a few hours (busy day I guess!) but that was some fun bonding time and it also gave her a chance to watch others test and get comfortable. She had a really awesome attitude, basically just saying "If I fail I fail. I'll try again." I was really impressed with her maturity and confidence and lack of drama! But, she passed with no problems, and now is enjoying borrowing the car whenever she can! I really can't say enough about how impressed I am with this whole turn of events from scardy-cat to confident driver.

Ok, that was the good. Now for the bad:

Mr. Jill and I are finally breaking up. It's been years of ups and downs and coming close to this, but we are at a point where I really do think this will be it. And in the end this is what should happen. We just aren't great together. We have managed over ten years of working together as a family and household, but deep down we don't fit together as well as we did for the first several years of our relationship. I'm heartbroken for The Teenager. My parents divorced when I was 19 and it was very difficult for me I think because of my age. I'm doing everything I can to avoid having this mess things up for The Teenager.

Separating our two lives is going to be darn near impossible and I don't really know how we'll accomplish it.

I own the house and he says he's planning to move out and get a place of his own. I understand this and in a perfect world, this is the best thing to occur. But, he cannot afford a place of his own. I can manage the house and expenses on my income alone, but he can't do his own thing on just his income. Why should I care? I need to work on NOT caring.

We own two cars and both are in both of our names - what do we do there? Not a huge issue I know but irritating to have to deal with.

I am going to need to put on my big girl britches and deal with owning a house on my own. I know I'm capable of it but it is so easy to sit back and let Mr. Jill (hmmm... I'll have to come up with a different name) handle things like mowing the lawn and shoveling snow and snowblowing the driveway and changing headlights in the car and well, all of that guy stuff.

In the end I KNOW this will make me happier. I am not happy with him and he is not happy with me. We've hung on this long because it has been the easy way out. We have worked together to raise an awesome daughter and I don't see any reason why this part of our lives won't continue to be positive.

Even taking the time to type this post has made me just a teeny tiny bit less freaked out about this. I know that once we get to the other side of this, life will be better. I am so grateful for the stable, secure job that I have so that I can manage a household on my own. I know I can do this I just have to stop having those occasional moments when I wonder if I WANT to do this. Because I do want this in the end.... I do.

Ongoings and other made up words

2011-06-18T12:29:00.001-05:00

Lots of random ongoings to report. Nope I don’t think ongoings is a real word, but I like it.

The Teenager is officially a senior and I am officially feeling old and my heart is soft. Without a doubt I feel that MY senior year of high school was LITERALLY just a few years ago. I have this sense of needing to capture this last year of her truly being “the kid” (as I like to refer to her) in my memory.

Speaking of The Teenager, we are having to take drastic measures to get her to drive. She’ll be 17 in just a month or so, and she is afraid to drive. I paid for behind the wheel 2 (yes I said TWO) years ago, but she still hasn’t taken it. Good grief. I am glad that she’s cautious, but for many reasons, I want her to get going on this. This afternoon will be forced practice session number uno.

We got a new car and I am sooo happy. Ok, it’s not “new” like in the conventional sense of the word – it is a 2002 and has over 140,000 miles on it. But, it is new to me. Plus we were able to pay cash for it so we can continue to avoid a car payment – and THAT is a good thing. We traded in the 1994 Suburban with over 265,000 miles on it for a 2002 Envoy, so things are improving! We’re excited to now have two vehicles with A/C. A year and a half ago we had two vehicles without A/C and that sucks. And it’s funny because ten years ago, both Mr. Jill and I drove new (in the conventional sense of the word) SUVs. But that meant we had like $1000 in car payments each month which is just absolutely insane. So we made some drastic changes and now we’re coming back around to a midpoint of driving nice cars again but with more miles and more years but still no payment. For some reason, that transition makes me really proud of our new lifestyle. I feel smarter and that we’re teaching the right things to The Teenager.

I'm a bad bad stepmom

2011-06-06T20:48:00.003-05:00

I'm torn between giggling and feeling kind of guilty on this one.

I was switching the laundry and came upon a pair of thong underwear. Not mine (of course), not Mr Jill's (of course), not the dog's (of course). The only soul in this house who wants to wear thong underwear is the Teenager.

But you see, some of you may remember that I am a fuddy-duddy. I am NOT ok with thong underwear. Yes, I know she's almost 17. I don't care. I just cannot accept it. I.just.can't.

So, I tossed the frickin' things.

I'm bad.

Grandma lesson #1 - Ziploc Bags

2011-04-26T12:26:00.006-05:00

Yep, I cannot avoid it (and do not want to avoid it at all!) - I am my grandmother's granddaughter.

My grandmother taught me some great lessons that I have sewn into my heart. The one that just sprang into my day today is to never ever ever throw away a ziploc bag until it has worn thin. I just ate my peanut butter sandwich and I'm looking at this ziploc and there is no frickin' way I am throwing it away. I can use this bag to bring sandwiches to work for at least a week. It's not one of those whimpy ziplocs either, it is the hardcore kind that is super thick. No way am I tossing it yet!

Yes, Grandma would be so proud.

Just spent $10 on lunch and I don't care

2011-03-29T12:10:00.001-05:00

This is about the extent of my thoughts right now :) I just paid for a by-the-ounce taco salad and it was almost $10. Sour cream and salsa are HEAVY. I had to skip the refriend beans because I can't afford them :)

This good day

2011-02-13T14:42:00.004-06:00

What is making this a good day?

1) Well, for one thing I do not have a headache. On any given weekend day I have a 50-50 chance of having a headache. The odds played in my favor for today because I had a migraine yesterday (Thursday too, but who's keeping track?).

2) It is gorgeous out. 47 frickin' degrees. On four of the five work days this week, it was below zero when I drove to work. This is an improvement! There are still several feet of snow outside, but some melting is occuring and you can hear the dripping. And we've got windows open in order to let in some new air (since the same stinking air has been circulated since last fall). And ahh, nicer weather can make a difference.

3) I am not at work. After the last couple of weeks of work, just not being there is enough to make my day good. I actually ended up in tears on Friday (the fact that I am menstrating may have influenced that a bit). Anyway, without being dramatic (I don't mean to be at least), I am in the midst of an ethical dilemma at work. This is the same dilemma I've been dealing with for almost a year. In fact, I wanted to write about it last summer for my ethics class, but since I don't know what to do about it I would have gotten a shitty grade on the paper :). And that is funny in spite of the crappiness it represents.

4) I just cooked up some pizza burger mix which I have simmering on the stove. I don't cook what I consider to be real meals very often, so when I actually put effort into something like this I get a lot of satisfaction out of it.

This is definitely a time when I need to be focusing on the positive things. The situation at work is really dragging me down, so I am happy to have had a couple of days to refresh before heading back tomorrow.

Have a great day all of you bloggy-friends!

Vacation, my friend

2011-01-29T12:26:00.007-06:00

Some pictures to show our vacation in a nutshell. Time as a family and a much needed break from work.

The three of us

The Teenager and me (yep, she's 6' tall)

Just finished a super long zipline over the ocean

Tenth anniversary

Muster drill

Dear Vacation, I love you!

2011-01-19T11:49:00.002-06:00

Wow, that was an amazing vacation. It definitely hit the spot. We took a cruise through the western Caribbean and all three of us loved it so much we are already planning when we'll book another one for next year.

I needed that.

A new post so that my most recent post isn't about being fat and going tanning

2010-12-30T07:38:00.003-06:00

I just can't have my most recent post title be that!!!

We're getting close to vacation time and all I can say is goody goody goody :)

It's a balmy 36 today, so that's practically like being on vacation already.

Life is pretty good. Hope that's not just the glow of pending time off talking!!

Tanning when you're a fatty

2010-12-23T07:38:00.003-06:00

You know. I am not as slim as I used to be.

I went tanning the other day. Since we're going on vacation and I am white as a ghost, I am trying to get a little base tan.

I haven't been to a tanning booth since the early 1990s. Back then, I was 1/2 the size I am now.

It is different to tan when you're fat. And the scary thing is that I think the tanning booth got larger. But I still could barely manage to get all of my parts exposed to the rays. Lord only knows what kind of tan lines I'm creating.

Vacation Plans

2010-11-08T05:42:00.004-06:00

Lord help me, it's been 7 years since we have gone on a vacation. SEVEN YEARS. That was our last trip to Vegas when we got engaged. Did I mention it's been 7 years?

Well, thanks to lots of overtime and obsessive penny-pinching and savings, plus getting some money when J's dad passed away, we can now afford to go on vacation again.

So we wasted no time (besides the SEVEN YEARS) in booking a cruise for J, the Teenager, and me. We will be sailing through the Caribbean in January. And, to say I am obsessed with this trip is putting it lightly. I think it may be an unhealthy obsession. It kind of feels like falling in love when you can't think about anything else... can't concentrate at work, etc. :)

I didn't realize how much we needed a vacation. And how much we needed just to simply have a vacation to look forward to.

A new post -- finally

2010-08-18T09:40:00.000-05:00

LOTS of randomness today:

• Things aren’t as rocky with J as they were several months ago. I have partly just accepted that this is what it is (hate being that weak) and J seems to have his shit more together as well. I have no doubt that there will be times in the future when I want to walk away. And I wonder if this is about me or J. For now I am just doing the best I can which is to live in this moment.

• The Teenager and her boyfriend broke up. J and I are both very pleased with this development because he came on the heals of me finding a very inappropriate picture that he had texted to her. Ironically, he broke up with her saying he needs to find God. After the picture he texted her I agree that he needs to find something. The Teenager seems unscathed which I hope is true. There have been no dramatic bawling fits or anything like that – she amazes me sometimes – if that were me at her age I would have been a wreck.

• Work is boring as hell right now. It irritates me when my job ends up fitting into the stereotypical federal worker mold.

• This weekend is our family’s annual “vacation,” which involves leaving town for a long weekend for an antique sale. J is an antiques dealer so this is a working vacation when we sell stuff, but it is still a vacation nonetheless. We get really excited because we stay at a hotel and go out for dinner at a nice small town supper club. It’s all perspective, and for us this is a nice break.

• I definitely want a baby. I need to loose weight in order for it to even be a possibility. This has to do with my ovaries and pre-diabetes and yep, if I want to get pregnant I need to loose some of this fat. I hope this isn’t the reason that I’m sticking with J, but that may very likely be the case (boo).

• I finished up my capstone for my master’s and only have one straggler class that isn’t offered until November. Capstone is the big, final one, so finishing that is a wonderful feeling. I am too much of a perfectionist because I am pissed that I missed 2 out of 420 points in the class. Clearly still an A, but also clearly still an extreme perfectionist.

• We’re going on a real vacation in January or February. We haven’t been anywhere since 2004 and we need to go before The Teenager becomes The Adult. I am giddy just thinking about planning a real vacation. We’re going somewhere warm other than Mexico, and hopefully to an all inclusive resort so we can be bums. We’ll be celebrating my graduation and The Teenager’s 16th birthday (which occurred earlier this month). Can’t wait!

Can't put it into words

2010-07-26T09:15:00.003-05:00

Grandma's gone.

She died Thursday night, 7/22/10. 96 years is a long time to live. And she sure made an impression.

I can't do her justice with a simple blog post. I can tell that I'll have some poems to write, but I haven't started any yet.

Simply put, she was as good as a grandma can be.

I'm so happy she's free from the confusion she was living in. I am sure that by now she's had a chance to give my Uncle Mike a hug. And I'm sure he hugged her back so tight.

Headin' up North

2010-07-17T10:09:00.005-05:00

I think I need to go on a vacation.

J and I are heading "up north" and I am so excited I am realizing I need to schedule more fun time in my life. I finish my last class in December and it is pretty common for people to take a vacation when they finish grad school. I haven't considered it, but honestly, now that we have a little inheritance from J's dad, we might just splurge and give ourselves a vacation. We'll see if I can bring myself to spend money that frivolously. We will see.

So, we're heading up north to do a few things, some happy and some sad.

I need to say good-bye to my Grandma. She's got a week or less to live, or so the doctors say (they've said stuff like this before and she bounces back). I feel like I have been saying good-bye to her for many years, and I have. I'm sad, not for the 96 year old that will die soon, but for the grandma she was for me. I am so sad. So, we're going to stop at the nursing home so I can say good-bye and give her one last kiss.

Next we'll go a little further north and check in at the casino where we will be spending the night. Disgusting waste of money those places are, but when I realize how excited I am to just go away for a night, I can accept that disgusting-ness.

After we check in we have to go even further north to a steak fry in my brother's town. I haven't ever been to a steak fry, so this should be exciting!! My dad will be there, which is the primary reason we are going - to visit. I have to take every opportunity I get in order to see my Dad. Between my introversion and his introversion, we don't see each other very much. The steak fry and visiting should be fun.

Then we'll head back to the casino for the night and hopefully not lose our asses :)

I'm packing up my bag for an overnight and realizing I haven't had one of those since last August. And I am going to enjoy it.

Peeing and Moaning plus a nice long weekend.

2010-07-05T10:43:00.004-05:00

I don't like cleaning.

Actually, there is some cleaning that I do like, but I don't like housework.

And we have a crapload of family coming this week for J's dad's funeral.

And you know they can't come to a dirty house.

J's been working all weekend out in the super hot, humid world, making the living that he makes.

So I have pretty much been cleaning the whole house.

I'm a pee-er and moaner. I really don't have much to complain about. J is the typical housecleaner. I rarely clean. But he's busy and hell, he's stressed out and sad and overwhelmed trying to keep all of his siblings in order while they process their dad's death. So I am cleaning.

At least I get to stay inside in the air conditioning.

And at least I have a couple of weeks of easy homework for class.

But I hate cleaning.

So I better get off of my ass and do it so it's done!

Other than cleaning (because of course it can't take 100% of my time to clean - I just want to act like it does so I can complain!), I have also been having a nice long weekend with the house to myself with Stinky Boy.

I have watched a lot of TV which is something I haven't done in ages. I love TV but with homework I just don't get the luxury. So I had a lot of shows DVR'd and now I am all caught up and looking for more to record. I have gotten my fill of The First 48 and Obsessed and Addicted and Deadliest Catch (Captain Harris is about to die and I am hating that). And today is an Intervention marathon so I have a bunch of episodes recording. And once I get this damn house in order I'm going to watch those episodes until I can't stand it any more. Because I get to a point when I watch that show that I can't take the sadness and have to stop.

Okey-dokey this must be a record for long long long post. I kind of like it.

:)

Dancing in Heaven

2010-06-30T06:30:00.002-05:00

J's dad passed away yesterday morning. He was very ready to go, and so I feel relief and happiness for him.

I feel great sadness for everyone left to grieve his loss. Isn't that the way it always is?

I am certain that he has already danced with J's mom who waited 15 years for their reunion.

I am certain he's played at least one round of golf. It's been over a year since he has golfed, but before he got sick he played every day.

And I am certain he's got a game of bridge organized and under way.

Rest in Peace Herm. You were a part of creating an amazing legacy.

Why am I doing this again?

2010-06-25T07:21:00.002-05:00

Ok, so why am I going to school?

As I kill myself writing my final paper I keep asking myself this question.

I need to record this for posterity so that when I start to think I want to go back for another master's degree or maybe for my PhD, this will shake a little sense into me.

I have to admit though that I've already started looking at what I might want to do in a couple of years and it involves another master's program. I need an intervention.

Seriously!

2010-06-14T14:27:00.001-05:00

J is sleeping still.

It is 2:30 in the afternoon.

I am finishing up my 8 1/2 hour workday, and he "doesn't feel good."

Could have been the two drinks I saw sitting next to him when I went to bed last night.

Yes, his dad is declining quickly and J had a tough phone call last night with "I love yous". I try so hard to remember that, but it still doesn't make it right for a 44 year old man to be behaving like that and to be hung over on a Monday.

I'm so sick of it. I want to sweep up this crappy part of him and toss it into the shitcan.

Focus on what you have 6/12/10

2010-06-12T11:37:00.002-05:00

There are random times in any given week when I stop and think to myself "I love this about my life." or "I'm so lucky because of this or that."

This week I have been thinking:

Sad as it is that this isn't true for everyone, I am lucky to have health insurance. I had to go to both the dentist and the doctor, this week. If I didn't have insurance I wouldn't be able to go and that's ridiculous. Since J and I aren't technically married, he and the Teenager (because she's my stepdaughter) can't be covered under my insurance. So, J and the Teenager haven't had insurance since 2001. Since I'm focusing on what I have in my life I won't get into how stressful that makes me here. I will focus on the fact that I have insurance which I tend to need.
No cavities :) that's another good thing.
Again, I am thankful for this little Stinky Boy sitting on my lap as I type. If I never have a baby this will be as close as I get.
I'm nearing the end of my graduate school studies. I am in the midst of writing my thesis (oh boy), and then I have one last class this fall, so I graduate in December. I'm so frickin' lucky to have this opportunity. So I'm grateful to be able to go to school plus I'm grateful that I'm almost done!

GD ovaries

2010-06-08T11:48:00.003-05:00

I am having a major attack of the IWBs ("I want a baby"s).

There are lots of pregnant women in my office and in my building and on the blogs I read. My ovaries are palpitating and I think my estrogen levels must be sky-high.

Frickin' a.

I'm almost 37. Will I realize in 10 or 15 years that I should have tried to have a baby right now?

There's lots to the dynamics of this, which I don't care to bother getting into. There are reasons for me to prudently say it's not the right time. But those reasons are increasingly being outnumbered by the why nots I keep thinking about.

Hallmark doesn't make those kinds of cards

2010-06-03T06:06:00.003-05:00

Last night I stopped at CVS on the way home from work. I had $4 in free money for being in their card-carrying club (or whatever it's called) that I had to spend before today. So of course, I had to go there and buy $16 worth of stuff for $12 because I didn't want to waste that $4.

Anyway, I digress.

I think I spent almost a half hour in the card section. I wanted to get a "just because" card for J. You know, like just a simple card for $.99 that is blank inside to say.... well I'm not sure what I wanted to say. Something like "I am sorry that we aren't what we thought we would be, etc. I love you and appreciate what you do for us. I bought you some deodorant today, and here it is, etc." Well, Hallmark doesn't want you to buy cheap cards that are blank inside so you can write your own message. They want you to buy expensive cards that don't say what you want to say.

While I was in the card section it dawned on me that Father's Day is approaching. Ok, it might have been all of the signs and Father's Day cards that made it dawn on me, but I got the message nonetheless. Then I realized it's graduation season and we have a couple of nieces that we needed cards for. When it was all said and done I ended up with like five cards for graduations and Father's Day.

I had a hell of a time finding a card for J for Father's Day. All of the cards are super lovey-dovey and saying thank you for making my life so great, etc. I don't right giving him a card like that. Sad sad sad. It would be so much easier if I liked him as much as I loved him.

Frickin' money

2010-05-24T06:51:00.002-05:00

I'm so tired of money having so much to say about how I feel.

When money is flowing out out out and not much in in in, I am a ball of anxiety.

When money is ok and I feel like we have a cushion, then I can breath.

Everything makes me crabby when I am worried about money, and everything is less stressful when I'm not worried about money.

That is ridiculous. But it is what it is.

This is about 90% because of my upbringing and the other 10% is because I'm a control freak. Ok, so maybe the 90/10 split isn't completely accurate, but either way, those are the two things that cause money to control how I feel about life.

I watched my parents struggle because of money my entire childhood. My mom and dad worked their asses off but just never seemed to get ahead. Could never catch a break. They both have become neurotic money savers because of that, and I have those same tendencies too. My sister is the same way. My brother? I don't think so - bless his goofy heart:)

It is a good thing to want to have money in the bank, but when you can't relax unless your savings account holds a certain amount, then it's too much.

I want to be able to relax and not freak out when J buys something or when the Teenager (aka the money-sucker) needs money for next year's choir trip. If money is worrying me I get stressed, but if it's not I'm ok when it has to be spent.

I'm not sure there is a solution for this though. I can't force myself to relax or convince myself not to worry about whether bills will be paid in six months -- that's just not the way I function.

Focus on what you have 5/22/10

2010-05-22T07:21:00.000-05:00

There are random times in any given week when I stop and think to myself "I love this about my life." or "I'm so lucky because of this or that."

Here are this week's moments:

This week I have to honestly say that I am struggling with focusing on what I have:) I think it's the current detail I am on at work that is so boring and frustrating -- it's affecting my attitude about things in general. All the more reason to try to focus on the positive, right?! So, I did focus, it was just more difficult.

I take it for granted that both of my parents are alive and active in my life. Ok, so active may be a stretch since I only see my dad a few times a year and my mom maybe every couple of months. But still, they are present, and for that I am lucky.

Struggling

2010-05-20T05:59:00.002-05:00

Just when I finally think I've given up and given in.

And I'm going to just go with what my life is now.

Because I don't have whatever it is I need to do this.

I learn something else that illustrates to me that I cannot ever marry this man.

True story

2010-05-18T12:11:00.002-05:00

Holy frickin' crap.

The neighbor's dog ran over to visit last night and frickin' pissed on my leg.

Stood behind me, lifted his leg and pissed on me.

What the hell is that all about?

Let's just say that I put those jeans in on the "sanitize" cycle.

Lord help me

2010-05-16T21:54:00.001-05:00

The Teenager.

Who is 15 by the way!!!

Sneakily bought these.

She explained to me that they are comfortable, and that's why she bought them.

Yeah right.

She will NOT be wearing them.

The makings of this day

2010-05-13T11:52:00.002-05:00

Oh good lord.

It's been raining for 3 or 4 days straight.

I've been in a boring meeting for 3 1/2 hours.

I have another (less boring but still somewhat boring) meeting that starts in a half hour.

And then, I get to go to the gynecologist after work.

How did I ever get to be so lucky? :)

I pray for peace

2010-05-12T06:14:00.002-05:00

J's dad is nearing the end. He's known for nine months that he was moving closer to death, but now that he's staring it in the face, he's scared.

It just breaks my heart to hear J tell me that his dad told him he's scared. His dad worries that he wasn't a good enough father (he was) and that his kids aren't ok (can't say that any of them are "normal" or "stable", but they are ok, and that's all he needs to hear right now).

He wants to be done with battling cancer, but he's scared to die.

I just pray with all of my heart that he goes soon, but that first he stops being afraid and feels peace.

That's all that anyone can hope for in the end.

Focus on what you have 4/17/10

2010-04-17T08:19:00.001-05:00

There are random times in any given week when I stop and think to myself "I love this about my life." or "I'm so lucky because of this or that."

This week, I thought that when:

The ice cream truck drove slowly through the neighborhood. Me, just sitting here on the couch writing a paper for class. It's gorgeous out (yeah, I love spring) so we have the windows open and I could hear that ice cream truck music. Love it.
I drove up to my house after work and Stinky Boy was lounging on a blanket in the front yard. Tail started wagging like crazy.
The Teenager actually wants to come to work with me next Thursday for "take your kid to work day". Not bad for a 15 year old.
It's Spring :)

Mumble-jumble

2010-04-16T13:52:00.001-05:00

Oh, it's Friday -- beautiful Friday.

I went to the DQ this week and got a butterfinger blizzard. Candy and ice cream? Seriously? Genius!! I told the Teenager that the blizzard "revolutionized the frozen treat industry". She agreed.

I am coveting a new car. I drive an 11 year old rusty car with almost 200,000 miles on it. The A/C doesn't work, the transmission is going, blah blah blah. I want a newer car. I hate admitting that I want material things. We found a perfect car online for sale -- a mercedes with low miles we could buy for cash. And the frickin' thing got sold before we could look at it. I'm in serious depression about that. I never thought I was a super material person, but the idea of driving around a nice car really appealed to me (which I hate to admit). I don't want a car payment, so I may have to come to terms with the fact that it could be awhile before my ship comes in.

oh, did I mention that it's Friday? :)

Focus on what you have 4/10/10

2010-04-10T08:05:00.003-05:00

Focusing on what I have....

I have a nice house in a nice yard in a nice neighborhood in a nice country. I'd rather live in the country but since I don't I realize I have a nice place in the suburbs, and I'm lucky.

I get to have nice, relaxing weekends. I get two whole days off of work which are usually mine-all-mine. I haven't been on a vacation in over 10 years, and I would like to go on one really badly. But at least I get a little mini-vacation every week, so it's not so bad.

Focus on what you have 4/3/10

2010-04-02T20:48:00.000-05:00

I'm back... focusing on what I have.

This week I realized:

I am happy to have an easy commute. Seems like a silly thing, but since it's a part of my life two times a day, five days a week, it does make a difference that it's easy. In the mornings, I head to work early (5:30) so traffic is really light. And it only takes me 20 minutes tops to get to work. I head for home before rush hour kicks in each afternoon (2:30), so I again get relatively light traffic and a 25 minute commute. Any more time than that would drive me ape-shit. Sometimes I find myself just wanting to be home in the afternoons and I have to remind myself that I actually have a much better commute than many people.
It's spring! Suddenly, everything is green! It rained yesterday and it's like a paint brush went through. The grass wasn't green in the morning and now it is. Love it.

I really like ice cream

2010-03-31T20:53:00.003-05:00

Warning here... this post has the potential of being the most simple, most elementary, most basic (however you want to state it) post in the history of the world.

I like ice cream. That's the extent of my advanced thinking right now.

I am going to go dish up a bowl for a little bedtime snack.

What flavor you ask?

Cookies and Cream.

Num.

Focus on what you have

2010-03-27T12:55:00.006-05:00

I've been thinking about starting a new type of posting for a few weeks now.

There are random times in any given week when I stop and think to myself "I love this about my life." or "I'm so lucky because of this or that."

I want to try to list those kinds of things that come up during my week and post about them on Saturdays.

Will I be consistent and actually get a post out every Saturday? Who knows. I want to but it may take me a few months to get my crap together and figure out a way to organize my postings. I'll try to get a system down so I can gather my positive thoughts throughout the week and have them ready to slap up here each Saturday.

Some weeks I may only have one thing to post. Other weeks I may have a shitload.

This is all based on that mantra of mine that I preach: "Focus on what you have, not on what you don't have." I wrote this on a post it a few years ago and have had it in my cube at work since then. I'll try to grab a picture of it soon so I have a nice little logo-type-dealy for these posts.

Anyway, enough babbling... here are the things making me happy this week:

I'm alive. Kind of a deep one to list first off on my maiden post. But, I am really thinking this this week. Since the beginning of December, three dads within our block have died. That's a lot of death to be staring at. I can see two of those families' back yards as I type this. All three families have children. For one of those families, we are running an estate/garage sale this weekend -- J and the Teenager are over at that house right now, selling things while I do my homework (and sneak in a blog post). The mom and dad were divorced but got along. But since they were divorced and dad wasn't expecting to die any time soon, there wasn't a lot of planning. Mom and hurting for money and not in a position to want to tackle dealing with the situation. When dad got sick he couldn't work and he lost his insurance. He didn't go to the doctor any more after that and then he quickly died. The bank now owns his house but let us have access so we could sell some things. We've sold about $1000 so far and I know it'll make a difference for mom and her three girls. So anyway, it's thick on my mind as we run across momentos in that house that show the love that dad had for his girls.
I'm thankful that I have a job. As I mentioned a few posts ago, about 40 people in my office lost their jobs and have three more weeks to go. I have an awesome government job that pays me well. I tell my staff that we have a cake-walk and better work our butts off to show we deserve it.
I'm lucky to have access and be able to get my master's degree. I'm not looking forward to the student loan payments when they kick in, but that's a small price to pay for the opportunity.

Have a super Saturday.

Are there things that you have that you will focus on?

A little of this and a little of that (not ALL depressing stuff either!!)

2010-03-21T10:35:00.002-05:00

You know something.

When you post about a depressing topic, it doesn't bring about a whole lot of dialogue:)

I'm still very wrapped up in the relationship I'm trying to sort out. I'm still absolutely no further than I was a week ago or two weeks ago or a month ago. I know what I feel but acting on it is something I guess I'm going to have to sneak up on.

There have been other random things going on that would fit into a Friday Fragments or brown bag post....

It's becoming more spring-like around here in MN and that is so uplifting. Today it's only 33, but we've been having strings of days in the 60s. Those days are what keep you going after a few months of cold.
I just started my latest class and am happy that I can tell it will be a good one. The topic is leadership and decision making and I'm very interested in both of those. Plus the instructor seems to have his shit together which is always a bonus.
It's Stinky Boy's birthday today. He's growin' up!
As many of you know, I work for the federal government. In the office where I work, there are almost 200 people, of which 40 are contractors (basically not federal employees but temps), many of whom have worked at our office for more than 5 years. Some have worked there more than 10 years. Well, last week they all got cut and were told they are done in a few weeks. We knew it was coming because that's the point of having contractors -- so they can be let go when the workload decreases. As a tax-payer I was happy with the decision because it's a waste of money to pay for unnecessary workers. As a co-worker and friend to them, it was horrible.
I'm in the mood for goulash, so I think that's what's for dinner!

Alright, I've got shit to do. Homework and laundry and enjoying a beautiful (but cold) day.

Happy Sunday everyone!

midlife crisis?

2010-03-13T11:05:00.002-06:00

I have all sorts of really good posts swirling around in my brain right now.

But, as is common with me.... I just can't pin down what I want to say.

This one has been swirling around for a long time though, so here goes....

I have come to the realization that I must be embarking on a midlife crisis.

I turn 37 in a few months and it's affecting me more than I ever thought possible.

I absolutely HATE dwelling on the negative... but I find myself thinking of all of the things I haven't done or had that I thought my life would include.

Is this why I'm so messed up when it comes to my relationship with J? I mean, I wanted the fairy tale. I wanted a man that always told the truth. I wanted to be one of those couples with lots of couple-friends who social every weekend. I wanted babies.

I think the problem is that I keep typing "wanted" when I should be typing "want."

I keep trying to live by my mantra "focus on what you have, not on what you don't have." But these things I don't have are feeling like deal-breakers right now.

Noise sensitivity

2010-02-22T09:10:00.001-06:00

I am finding myself getting irritated about the noises that people are making at work.

It irritates the crap out of me when people put lotion on -- something about the squishiness and rubbing that gives me the heeby-jeebies.

And I'm sick of listening to people eat cereal in the morning. Am I that loud when I chew?

I think this is a sign of needing a vacation.

A poem for the Teenager

2010-02-16T06:26:00.001-06:00

Here's a poem I wrote for my final project in my creativity class. The teenager just rolled her eyes but laughed too -- she's used to me!

teenagers!!

how do you solve a problem like that?
could i use my creative skills to think
and figure out if the problem is
not agreeing with thong underwear (when she’s 15!!)
or is it just not wanting her to grow up

Lovey-dovey day

2010-02-14T11:39:00.001-06:00

I am sad today. Sad for me and J.

I came downstairs this morning to find a card from J, asking me to be his valentine again. Saying all of the right things, but it doesn't matter -- my heart is closed to it.

And I am so sad. I want to scream at him to STOP IT. He shouldn't have to beg someone to love him enough.

This is tough

2010-02-12T06:56:00.002-06:00

I really don't know if I have it in me to walk away from J.

I've know for several years that I should, but I just can't.

He treats me wonderfully and I love him, but we both deserve more.

I want a chance at pure happiness, and I'm not going to get that with J.

I feel selfish and mean.

I am totally breaking his heart. But staying with him when I don't feel that we're right is really unfair to him. I heard a Garth Brooks song last week with the line "she's gonna make it and he never will". That is totally what it is for me and J. If I leave him I will make it and I will be happier (maybe not right away, but eventually). J will not make it -- this will kill him.

It is so complicated -- I can't stand it.

It is definately like I have two personalities conflicting here. I absolutely want to walk away. Sell him the house if he wants it. Buy myself a nice little place. Pursue that pure happiness that I want. But then my other self cannot imagine actually walking away. Away from J and the Teenager and Stinky Boy. If I don't walk away though, I'm closing myself off from a chance at more.

I don't want to settle for mediocrity and I can't stay with J just so he's not sad.

It's just not easy contemplating destroying nine years of partnership.

I hate this.

Should I stay or should I go?

2010-01-31T12:07:00.003-06:00

It would be easier if I didn't love him.

Ode to Coffee

2010-01-12T06:09:00.001-06:00

Num
You are my friend
It's 6am and you are my friend
Three stinkin' degrees this morning
Five hours of sleep
Work all day
Classes all night
Coffee -- I love you

Goofy Christmas!!

2009-12-22T12:32:00.001-06:00

Well, in true Jill style, my family does Christmas as goofy as can be.

It started it out when I ordered a bunch of underwear for Teenager from American Eagle (on sale online -- yippee). When the order shipped, I let Mr. Jill know that "the chicken has left the coop" and to watch for it.. (meaning he needed to watch for the package of expensive britches that would be arriving any day).

Then the package arrives and he tells me that "the Eagle has landed"

Then he makes his shopping list of everything we need to buy for Teenager and Stinky Boy and me, and it's all in code:

Tall One (code for Teenager who is 6' tall):
1)moonlight
2)moonbeams
3)fluffy 1
4)fluffy 2
5)gloves (definately not really gloves)

Mean One (code for me - I guess I had just teased him about something and he said I was MEAN):
1)Flintch
2)Blow (hmm.. not cocaine, not sexual, I wonder what it is)
3)Morning
4)Gloves (again, definately not really gloves)
5)Underwear (obviously not really underwear or he wouldn't have just written it out like that)

Stinky Boy's list wasn't in code because according to Mr. Jill, since he's a dog he can't read:
1)Small friend with no strings (new toy)
2)New harness
3)Nyla-bone
4)Ace bandage (he's obsessed)

So, here's the list that Teenager and I made for Mr. Jill:
1)French Fries
2)Peanut Butter
3)Jelly
I guess we were hungry when we made that list!!

Not that there is any chance in a million years that either Teenager or Mr. Jill read this blog, but I can't risk it, so I cannot divulge the true meaning behind the listed gifts. If Teenager reads this and now knows she's getting some britches, oh well.

My hope for you, all of my bloggy friends, is to have the best Christmas ever. Remember your family and friends that have passed, and enjoy those that are still here.

Just read last week's post

2009-12-12T10:09:00.001-06:00

No need to post a new post.

Just read last Saturday's post.

I still have the same homework.

And I still have the same poopy dog.

Only thing different around here is that it's colder than hell and I'm one week closer to Christmas with barely any presents purchased. crap.

I don't wanna!!

2009-12-05T11:17:00.001-06:00

Oh, I'm such a baby when it comes to homework :) I've got pages and pages to read and then pages and pages to write. I think I'll procrastinate.

It's Saturday and I am so glad. Seems like the last week was record setting slow.

We don't have much work to do at work, so that makes the days creep by. I much prefer to be busy busy busy so the days fly by.

Stinky Boy is a poopin' machine. Why is it that he has to be sick two weeks after we cleaned the carpets? And you can't trust him when he leaves the room -- I have to jump up and follow him every time just in case he's on his way to make a deposit somewhere.

Following a poopy dog isn't very condusive to doing homework -- I probably just shouldn't even start on it :)

see ya!

Memories

2009-10-22T20:12:00.001-05:00

The fall is rife with memories for me. I didn't realize this until this year when I'm feeling bombarded by memories. Memories that all seem to be making my eyes water.

16 years ago, in the fall, when I was 20 (oh so so so so young!) I started a friendship with my best friend in college -- I'll call him SM. Completely not his initials, but it works. The friendship I had with SM was special. There was a bond between us pretty much instantly. And that quickly led to an attraction as well. I would definately say that SM and I were soul mates. That is the cheesiest thing to say, but it's true. I won't bore you with the entire sordid story, but things never could work out for us to be more than friends. We had two great years of friendship at college, but it seemed like about ten -- we were more than friends, but still just friends at the same time. A few years after graduation, we got together once for dinner and a movie at his place. The same attraction was there... the same friendship was there... and the same ending occurred. SM and I kissed one time (in the fall!!) when we were 20 and never again. I realize every-so-often that I still love him. And that my friends... is weird. For some reason I am especially mourning the loss of what could have been (and really, should have been) with SM right now.

10 years ago, in the fall, I saw an ex for the first time in several years. E and I had dated very briefly a few years earlier... still ran with the same group of mutual friends we'd always had, but didn't really cross paths too much. We ended up at the same Halloween party 10 years ago and discovered that we were both single and interested. We dated for only a year, and really weren't a match, but still this memory of that getting back together is bittersweet for me. Adding this to my memories of SM I wonder why I'm remembering and feeling so much loss for these old memories. Must be my youth I'm missing!!

And my last memory is also from 10 years ago. In November 1999 I went with my grandma to Seattle for my cousin's wedding. My grandma was 85 and hadn't ever been to the ocean. And, it was only her second time on an airplane. I don't have the writing talent to explain how awesome that trip with my grandma was. We drove with my aunt and uncle to the "real" ocean (not just the sound) and grandma told stories the entire way. She always was a storyteller, but for some reason I can especially remember that car ride vividly -- maybe because she was so carefree and happy. We went to the top of the space needle and ate dinner in the restaurant -- she LOVED it. It was just such a nice week to spend with my grandma. She and I were always tremendously close, and that trip to Seattle was another special memory since it was created when I was an adult.

My grandma is still alive -- 95 years old! But, she hasn't been aware of reality since she was 91 or 92. I am going to see her this weekend -- the first time in a year -- and this makes me realize even more just how much I love her. She was such an influence in my life -- just the best grandma a kid could ever hope for. After seeing her last fall, I was so upset that I didn't plan to visit her again. But, I am going again because I need to get her fingerprint. I found the coolest necklace that I am going to get made. I also realize that I need another visit with my grandma. I hope I don't leave in tears like I did last year, but I will be so happy to have the necklace and to give her one more kiss.

Idea for a new blog

2009-09-25T18:47:00.001-05:00

Ok, so I just discovered Mrs.4444 Cooks and am now a "follower" because the recipes on there look awesome.

I'm thinking maybe I could launch a second blog of my own:

Some of your beeswax Eats

What do you think?

Since I seem to eat way more than I should, I'd have PLENTY of material.

just kiddin'

Thoughts on a Monday Morning

2009-09-14T07:53:00.000-05:00

Life is ultimately good.

I’m so glad that I see the glass as half full.

I hate that people I love are going to die soon.

I am grateful for the security that my job gives me.

I am grateful for the service I provide to my country through my job.

I am happy that I get to experience human interaction through blogging.

Another post about death

2009-08-12T12:14:00.000-05:00

Yuh know, I was all set to post about how I am a sleep addict... but now I feel the need to post about death AGAIN. I'd much rather post about my sleep addiction, but that will have to wait.

So, my grandma is "declining" and I'm sitting around waiting to get an email or phone call telling me that she's died. I don't really know if she's doing so poorly that she could pass away today... or if she'll improve again and hang on longer.

But the point of my posting about death is that in this situation with my grandma, I am just hoping that she does pass away. And THAT loads me up with lots of guilty feelings.

I feel guilty because I feel like I'm hoping for something to die -- and not just anyone, my grandma who I love and have a tremendous bond with.

But, you know... she's 95 years old. She hasn't been congnizant of her surroundings for a couple of years -- she's not living in this decade at all, but seems to be back in the 40s.

Before the pope died I felt the same way -- I just kept thinking it would be better if he just passed away instead of struggling like he had to at the end.

I guess that my point is that the whole struggling at the end thing is ridiculous. Of course it's better to have a chance to say good-bye to your loved ones, but when all that is left is pain I just want the pain to end.

Death really sucks!!

2009-07-26T22:18:00.000-05:00

I just sooo do not do well w/ death. I never have -- I wish I could learn to deal with it better.

J's dad has cancer and has 6-12 months tops. He tried chemo once and since it will only give him 1-6 more months he decided to stop.

So, he came home for a visit this past week. Basically his last visit - his chance to come home and say goodbye to his family while he's still strong.

Among all of the true crime shows and documentaries I watch, I've seen several indepth shows about death row... it always strikes me that it would be so strange to know exactly when you're going to die, like death row inmates know when they have a final execution date. But how different is it for J's dad and his situation? And really how different is it for all of us? We all know we'll die someday.

Everyone dies, and that sucks. If I were 85 though (like J's dad), and knew I'd be dying in the next 12 months, I'd be grateful for the opportunity to go home and hug my kids. And for the opportunity to ride along and watch my sons and grandsons play a round of golf... and even though J's dad was too tired to golf, he had a great time and lofted one ball that went further than everyone else's.

So, I am torn between the sadness of knowing that J and his siblings had to say good-bye to their dad and realizing that even though it's sad, they're so lucky to have had the chance.

What you get when you log into your 15 year old's facebook account

2009-06-12T15:29:00.000-05:00

I just finished reading this post and decided I just had to share my experience last night on the kid's facebook account.

We have the kid's login information for facebook because that was a condition we made in order to agree to letting her have a facebook account. I had a class earlier this year with a detective that works at catching online weirdos, and he said that as a parent he'd be ok w/ facebook if you have the login info to check up on them, but never would be ok with myspace. So, we caved and let her have a facebook account since everyone (and actually that's true and not much of an exaggeration) has an account.

Anyway, so last night I logged into her account to check things out. I do this like maybe once or twice a month and it's not an intensive thing -- just a few minutes to zoom through stuff to make sure she's not up to no good. And, she's proven to have done well (as far as I can see).

Ok, so the important story I'm getting to.... Typically, when I log on to check out her account, I put her as "offline" so nobody tries to chat or tells her they saw she was online at such-&-such a time when she really wasn't on there. Well, last night I put her to "offline" but must have pushed something to put her back to "online" because a boy instant messaged her with the greeting of "hey little tits". I'm telling you I wanted to reply soooooooooo badly and tell him he just said that to a 35 year old stepmom who does not have little tatas.

ppp #2 (Macaroni & Cheese)

2009-05-26T10:19:00.000-05:00

A quick pet peeve: macaroni & cheese boxes

Can anyone really open those boxes by pushing in that side thingy and pulling up? That's what the instructions say. I made some mac-n-cheese yesterday for the first time in a long time (used to eat it quite a bit in my 20s, along w/ ramen). Anyway, I quickly remembered how much that used to irk me. It's the little things.

I am a whiner, & pet peeve post (ppp) #1

2009-05-12T20:41:00.001-05:00

Seriously, I am a whiner. I start my next class tomorrow, and I cannot believe how much I'm not looking forward to it. It's taking all I have in me to keep from verbalizing the complaint hourly. I'm sure that once I get into the groove again (I've had a month off), I'll be alright. For now though, the honeymoon with this whole grad school thing has warn off -- I just want to be done. So, as I'm fond of saying.... I have to get through it to get through it.

PPP #1:

Driving home from work today, I decided to finally do something I've thought of many times in my life. Record the little pet peeves that I have. If someone asks me what my pet peeve/s is/are, I can't think on the spot. But I have them -- probably more than most people do. So I'm going to record them singly or in groups (whatever catches my fancy) here on the blog. These will be pet peeve posts (PPP for short).

Number 1 I realized on the way home... people that don't turn on their turn signals until they're already in the turning lane. Ok, once you're in the turning lane, that indicates to me that you're going to turn -- it would have been nice if you had signaled before changing lanes to go into the turning lane.

I sense that many of my pet peeves will be quite petty (wow! no pun intended AT ALL!) but I also sense that the nature of pet peeves is that they are those tiny little nuisances that irritate people.

chow!

I'm bored as hell

2009-05-03T17:36:00.000-05:00

Good grief! I live for days like today. Beautiful weather, and I'm in between classes so I have no homework. Just have to throw laundry in every so often. And I'm bored out of my mind. I can't seem to sit myself still long enough to read the book I've got to return in 4 days (a Rita Mae Brown one -- so usually no problem holding my attention). I've got some killer 16x16 sudokus to work on. I've got laundry to fold (don't wanna). Bored. What the heck?

Why I'm happy about this whole blogging thing

2009-04-21T12:42:00.000-05:00

You know, even though I don't manage to send very many posts out into space, I am so glad for blogging.

Blogging lets people share what they're feeling and thinking.

And sometimes even better, it lets other people read about friends/strangers thoughts and feelings... and you realize that in the end people are good.

I watch so many of those gory shows that I love that are full of the worst in people. I sooo much appreciate knowing that for the most part, people care and love. With blogging, you get to enjoy human interaction just a little more each day.

I'm so grateful for those little extra interactions with people.

I got a comment!!!!

2009-03-30T12:40:00.000-05:00

I have lots of fun stuff to say and have been meaning to post for days and days and days.

And I have to get back to work since my lunch is over...

But I had to put up a quicky post to say I just noticed that I had a comment from someone on an old post...

And I'm a nerd because it made me happy to know someone out there read something I wrote.

Ok, this nerd needs to get back to work!

Weight loss & ace bandages

2009-02-08T10:41:00.000-06:00

I need to lose 75 pounds in a week. Do you think that's do-able??

A group of us from high school are getting together next weekend. This consists of everyone lugging their beautiful offspring to the beautiful suburban home of one of my friends. And you know, I can't say anything "really" bad about all of these girlfriends I have from high school. I can't even actually say there is a jealousy thing going on. It is more a case of seeing all of them and their nice lives and families is a reminder that I'm fat and not all that together like they are.

Of course, you hear a lot of times that the people that "seem" to have their crap together really don't. And there might even be some people out there that see me and think I've got an enviable life.. (I'll keep telling myself that :) Can't say that I really would want to have any other life. I remember reading a fancy statement like 10 years ago.. something about how if everyone's problems where thrown in a pile, we'd all run to grab our own. It made sense at the time.

But, I digress... I have to lose 75 pounds in a week. Don't think that'll happen. So maybe I should just get off my fat ass and do something about it. ok, yeah, right.

On a lighter note. My dog is crackin' me up. As I type he's running around like a freakin' maniac, growling and shaking an old beat up ace bandage. Those old beat up ace bandages can be pretty vicious. It is his duty, I guess, to protect the family from the threat. He's a good dog.

Awash in "Jill crap"

2008-12-18T06:30:00.000-06:00

I’ve decided that I need to make an effort to post more often. Without realizing it, I have been waiting to post when I actually have a topic, and that’s dumb. The more enjoyable blogs that I read are people just living their lives and sharing the day to day stuff. So, that’s my new attitude. PREPARE TO BE AWASH IN DAY-TO-DAY “JILL CRAP.” I wonder if I need to run out and copyright the term “Jill crap”?

Gotta say, I crack myself up.

Could just be that I’m sleepy and only halfway through my first cup of coffee.

Yep, it’s either the sleepiness or the fact that I’m a comic genius.

I GOT IT -- the chicken has been found!!

2008-11-13T10:46:00.000-06:00

Ummmm... I got the promotion.

And I'm beyond happy.

:)

Going "home"

2008-11-03T11:44:00.000-06:00

I went “home” to my hometown this weekend, with J- and the kid. It was a nice visit, but still sad in the usual ways. I went to see my grandma at the nursing home and it was horrible. “Horrible” is such a strong word, but that’s what I felt as I left, with tears running down my face. I just do not do well with losing my loved ones. My grandma has been gone for a few years now, since she stopped really knowing what was going on around her. I think what was so bad about seeing her on Saturday was that she was so much worse than when I saw her last, in June. I just wasn’t expecting her to be that much worse. I didn’t even recognize her. I searched the room of old, gray-haired ladies and then recognized the doll that she holds onto. For about the last year, she’s had a baby doll that she holds onto constantly, wrapped up in a blanket. Just typing this hurts, so I think I’ll change topics.

We got to visit with my dad, stepmom, and aunt for awhile as well, and it was a nice visit. I love my family so much. I hate realizing that everyone is getting older.

The weekend was beautiful, and we sat outside and soaked up as much nice weather as possible. Today it’s like 70 degrees! I have class tonight so I won’t be soaking up much nice weather though. Then, by Friday, it’s supposed so snow. Oh joy.

What do I want?

2008-10-21T11:46:00.000-05:00

I’m struggling… trying to come to terms with the fact that I don’t really like very much about my life. I do, and I don’t… It’s tricky. Maybe I’m starting my mid-life crisis. Not that I’m completely at the mid-life point yet, but I guess I could be overachieving.

I don’t especially like a lot of the aspects of my life, but I don’t really know what it is I want instead.

I love J-. But, I could totally walk away from our 8 years. I feel callous when I say that. If I did walk away I’d be devastated… heartbroken… lost. So this is why I don’t actually walk away. So, why do I say I could totally walk away if I can’t? Not very fair to J-. I also think I don’t walk away because I financially couldn’t do it. Maybe that’s an excuse I use as a safety net. If I could financially handle leaving, I’d be forced to decide if I actually want to leave. Confused? Imagine living it!

Realistically, I want to be a hermit. That sounds funny!! But that’s actually kind of how I think. I’m social only sporadically. Usually, I’m happy to get my minimal social needs fulfilled at work, and then go home and be an introvert. I’m happy reading a book, walking the dog, watching a show on tv, eating some random meal for dinner, reading the news online. And, never seeing or interacting with another human until I go to work the next morning. And I enjoy interacting with people at work… it’s just the rest of the time that I want to be left alone. So, what gives?

I guess this is part of what you get back from blogging. Even if I send this out into the unknown and no single soul reads it (kind of what I expect), it doesn’t really matter. I am reading it as I write it… And maybe I’ll learn something about my life by doing that. And in a strange way, my level of confusion about my life just went down a teeny-tiny bit.

Cubicle Life

2008-10-01T09:15:00.000-05:00

Oh, the joys of cubicle life. I’ve had a new neighbor for about a week. He was actually my neighbor about 6 months ago, but then we had what I refer to as “the big migration,” which was essentially the entire office of over 100 people playing musical cubicles. Musical cubicles is like musical chairs, but there’s no winner at the end. We play this game about twice a year around here. I can’t stand it because it grosses me out to move into someone else’s germ space. Every time we play musical cubicles I become more of a germaphobe. In order to keep my same computer mouse and keyboard last time, I had to throw a fit. I mean, I work with these people. I can hear them hacking up lungs and sneezing all day long. And they stink (which is another story for another paragraph). Anyway, we are playing musical cubicles again this week. I can’t wait. I’m moving into the cube of the GROSSEST person in the office – I call him Idiotsky (not to be confused with Stupidsky). No exaggerating here. About a year ago, I showed Idiotsky’s disgusting monitor screen, which was covered in buggery gunk, to Grumpy/1 & Grumpy/2 – they had noticed it before but thought it was his screen saver!!! If you’d asked me last week to tell you the person whose cube I’d most want to avoid, I’d have named Idiotsky. And so, I’ll be sanitizing A LOT.

Ok, so I started out saying I have had a new neighbor for about a week. This person is Stupidsky (not to be confused with Idiotsky). He’s loud and smelly. He talks on the phone constantly for his job, and he’s loud, but the worst part is his radio is so loud I can sing along with the songs. I have to put my earplugs in, or my ipod on in order to drown out the noise. Duh, don’t people realize that they are basically 1 foot away from other people? Besides his noisy music, Stupidsky is fond of air freshener. I want to go into his cube after he leaves for the day and chuck that stupid thing into the garbage. He releases a puff of smell every so often and just about knocks me out. Now today, he must have gas, because I’ve been subjected to fart smell mixed with air freshener. Good grief!

I got an A!!!

2008-09-30T10:31:00.001-05:00

Well, I’m still sad about not getting the promotion. But thankfully, just like most other broken heart type things, the hurt starts to go away. Thank God! I can’t stand being that sad and emotional!!

I got an “A” on my first paper (got it returned last night), and I’m such a nerd that it makes me really happy. I just don’t get a lot of feedback at work, and even though I know I’m appreciated, the “good job” isn’t ever there. Of course, as an adult, I don’t really expect to get a sticker or a smiley face every day. And still, it was GREAT to get my paper back with good comments and a good grade. Now I just need to whip out 2 more papers and a presentation and that class is done. Jeez!

Work is slow right now… waiting for G to move some onto my desk, so I’m going to tackle some of papers #s 2 & 3. Oh yippee.

I lost my chicken

2008-09-26T13:40:00.000-05:00

LOST: 1 chicken

I had it last week. I know I did. But then they called me into a real office with a real door and told me they were taking my chicken away from me. They claim that they are just holding onto it, but I’m worried. What if it’s actually dead, and they just don’t want to tell me? If it's not dead, then I am pretty sure they gave it to someone else. It would be quite painful to see someone walking around with MY chicken -- I haven't seen that, but if that's the case, it will hurt :)

Sarcasm is the best!!

Survival

2008-09-25T06:16:00.000-05:00

I've moved myself into self-preservation mode. First of all, I feel like I should be embarrassed because I'm all heartbroken about not getting the promotion. It's definitely a characteristic of myself that I wish I could stifle -- this whole emotional response to work stuff. So, I counted my chickens before they hatched. I completely understand why they chose who they chose. We didn't realize that they were only going to fill ONE vacancy right now. So we thought both of us would get the promotion -- turns out we were wrong... they had to choose only one person to fill that one vacancy. Supposedly I'm "next in line.” But, I don’t believe anything until it happens. I’m definitely not counting these chickens yet. I don’t think there’s a promotion anywhere in my immediate future, even though the branch chief says there is. I’ve learned not to set myself up for disappointment.

And so, I’m doing my best to have a great attitude and realize that I’ve got it pretty good. I have a stable job, which is a lot more than some people have. If I ever get the promotion, I’ll think of it as a bonus I guess.

Now, to try to block out all of the NEGATIVE crap spewing from D & G. Good Lord! It takes half my energy just to fight their negativity.

Wow, quite a random, babbling post.

My point...what I wanted to say... is that it amazes me that I can be completely devastated, but then show up and put a smile on my face. I guess that's what you do when you don't have any other choice!

Well.... I didn't get it

2008-09-24T05:50:00.001-05:00

I'm sad as can be, and already tired of being sad.

Nothing going on

2008-09-21T21:33:00.000-05:00

Just sitting around, trying to squeeze the last bit of weekend out of the day... I've got to work at 6 tomorrow. And then I have class tomorrow night. I actually got a little research in this afternoon, but then just couldn't get into the groove to actually read through the articles and make some progress... just putting it off a little longer.

I got my test score in the mail yesterday... for the job I interviewed for. There was a bubble-test to access writing skills. The score gets added to my interview score, and my total score basically determines if I get the job. My writing test score was really good, so I'm optimistic, but still anxious as heck! The perfectionist in me is peed off because I didn't get all of the questions right. But it was such a difficult test, that even though I got like 86%, it is still in the highest category of "superior." I guess I should shut up and be happy I got the highest ranking... but I can't believe I got some wrong. Hope I find out soon about the job too!

I'm boring.

Question of the day -- Saturday

2008-09-21T00:13:00.000-05:00

Will I get the promotion?

Question of the Day

2008-09-19T19:11:00.001-05:00

Why does my dog eat rabbit poop?

He's obsessed!

2008-09-19T08:40:00.000-05:00

I'm tired. I've been at work for almost three hours and have had a total of about 20 minutes of work to do. I hate that I have to sit here and wait for someone else to finish their work and then pass it onto me so I can do my part. So, while I wait for the work to arrive, I was reading an article that I found yesterday. I'm still working up to nailing down my thesis topic... I've got at least a year before I HAVE to know my topic.. but, since I'll have about a million papers to write between now and that year is up, it's a good idea to use my potential thesis topic for these "little" papers right now. So anyway, I was exploring topics yesterday and came across an article about overachievers that get bored at work. Let's just say that reading a dry article from the Harvard Business Review, that discusses being bored at work... well, it didn't exactly wake me up. Seems like it was written just for me and about me, but it is boring none-the-less. So, does that mean that I'm boring? good lord!

I have a cold that is kicking my butt, so I'm off to ingest some orange juice.

2008-09-19T06:25:00.000-05:00

Cool. Here we go! I've been hovering around, reading so many blogs for the last year.... I need to jump in and join the game as well.